......in which I pour my heart out.
I had an experience recently that has taught me, AGAIN, that I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart and strength. Which is a hard lesson to learn...which is also the most likely reason I am learning it- AGAIN.
I talked with someone recently that told me of a child that needs a family. OH JOY! We could be the family for the child....maybe....i hope (or more correctly- I try not to hope...too much) We spoke for a while. The more I heard the more, I thought. The more I thought, the more I hoped. We talked, the husband and I. And we prayed. Prayed a lot. (I think I prayed more than he) I always want to do the Lord's will. However it is not always easy to not slip a bit of my own in there too. And so I prayed that I would know. And that I would be able to accept.
We were able to meet the child. The child is ADORABLE! The husband held the child. Then I held the child. And we talked to the child's caretaker. And she is a lovely woman. And I was soo glad for the chance to meet them. And spend some time with them. And as I walked away from them, in my heart I knew....this is not my child. And I had to keep myself from crying. And I did well. Not until that night, as I lay down to sleep, did I REALLY and FULLY cry. Heartbreaking sobs. For me. And the child I would not have.
I know that the Lord has a plan for that child. I know that he has a plan for me. And my family. I know that all things will work out for the best. But sometimes I want the best- RIGHT NOW! And not in the Lord's time. And I also know that THIS is my trial. And I must work through it. And overcome it. And I have to learn to trust in the Lord. And His time. And His plan. (again)
And so we know that the time will shortly come when we will get the child (or children) that is to be part of our family. So we need to prepare. Now. So that when the blessing comes we will be ready.
The paperwork came in the mail today. And all I have to do is fill it out. And let people I don't know, or care about, pry into every corner of my life. And make sure I'm a fit parent for children. And not a felon. And healthy enough. And make enough money. And pay OUT a ton of money. And I HATE it. But I do it.
And I'll continue to do it. Because this is the way that I can follow the Lord's commandment to multiply and replenish the earth. Because this is the way I can build my family. Because I want my family here on the earth. Because I know that we have more spirits waiting. And I don't want to disappoint them. Even if I'm not the one who provides their body or physically brings them into the world.
Because I love them.
I had an experience recently that has taught me, AGAIN, that I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart and strength. Which is a hard lesson to learn...which is also the most likely reason I am learning it- AGAIN.
I talked with someone recently that told me of a child that needs a family. OH JOY! We could be the family for the child....maybe....i hope (or more correctly- I try not to hope...too much) We spoke for a while. The more I heard the more, I thought. The more I thought, the more I hoped. We talked, the husband and I. And we prayed. Prayed a lot. (I think I prayed more than he) I always want to do the Lord's will. However it is not always easy to not slip a bit of my own in there too. And so I prayed that I would know. And that I would be able to accept.
We were able to meet the child. The child is ADORABLE! The husband held the child. Then I held the child. And we talked to the child's caretaker. And she is a lovely woman. And I was soo glad for the chance to meet them. And spend some time with them. And as I walked away from them, in my heart I knew....this is not my child. And I had to keep myself from crying. And I did well. Not until that night, as I lay down to sleep, did I REALLY and FULLY cry. Heartbreaking sobs. For me. And the child I would not have.
I know that the Lord has a plan for that child. I know that he has a plan for me. And my family. I know that all things will work out for the best. But sometimes I want the best- RIGHT NOW! And not in the Lord's time. And I also know that THIS is my trial. And I must work through it. And overcome it. And I have to learn to trust in the Lord. And His time. And His plan. (again)
And so we know that the time will shortly come when we will get the child (or children) that is to be part of our family. So we need to prepare. Now. So that when the blessing comes we will be ready.
The paperwork came in the mail today. And all I have to do is fill it out. And let people I don't know, or care about, pry into every corner of my life. And make sure I'm a fit parent for children. And not a felon. And healthy enough. And make enough money. And pay OUT a ton of money. And I HATE it. But I do it.
And I'll continue to do it. Because this is the way that I can follow the Lord's commandment to multiply and replenish the earth. Because this is the way I can build my family. Because I want my family here on the earth. Because I know that we have more spirits waiting. And I don't want to disappoint them. Even if I'm not the one who provides their body or physically brings them into the world.
Because I love them.
14 comments:
Hey Nat I'm sorry that it did not work out. That must be hard. You are a wonderful mom and anyone would be lucky to get you. Hope it comes soon for you!
Oh Natalie, you should have called me! I'm sorry for this and I'm sorry it is so hard when for everyone else it seems so easy. I know how you feel and I'm here to talk whenever you need it. I will never forget what the sealer said when he sealed us to Jake. "You are fulfilling the Lord's commandment to multiply and replenish the earth." Because I always had a hard time with not being able to do that....until it clicked that we ARE doing that just in a different way than usual. Love you!
You are such a sweet and strong person, I just love your heartfelt posts. I am sorry for the struggles you have had to go through and I can't even imagine how intrusive that is being "approved" for a child. It really doesn't seem fair, but like you have said trusting in the Lord is the only way to find that comfort and peace. Your family is so beautiful and I know everything will work out for you because you are always so full of faith.
YOU my never-yet-met BFF are AMAZING. I know how much it took for you to accept the answer you were given. I know exactly what you are saying about wanting things RIGHT NOW. I am sooo like that. Just do what youre supposed to do. That's all he (the big guy upstairs) asks. Just so you know, I think you are doing great.
oh, my heart is hurting for you. but, you are amazing to be in tuned enough to know that that child wasn't yours. there's a lot of mothers out there that want to have children so bad that they will do anything to have that child that's in front of them, even if that isn't God's plan. your baby will come. and, when you hold it, you will know that he/she is yours.
Nat-
So sorry that it won't work out for you this time, but I know the Lord is mindful of you, and you will have the family you are meant to have. I love you, sis!
My heart was breaking for you as I read through your post. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair that a young lady who just doesn't care, in the most dire of circumstances can get pregnant and have a baby without a concern about money, life, if they will provide a good home. I guess that will be something that we figure out and understand in the life to come. In the mean time, I will pray for your family as you go through these experiences. Those children that will be coming to your home will be so blessed to have you as a mother!
you. award. my place. get it.
I hope you are feeling Okay today. You had every right to cry and feel the way you do with so much at stake. I admire you for being brave enough to go through this and try to accept the Lord's will in the process. I hope you will find the right child!
I don't know how to respond except that my heart hurts for you. My tears are not out of sympathy but rather I can feel your anguish. I will be praying that the Lord's time will be soon.
I hopped here from my friend La Scoula's blog- but when I read this I just had to post. We went through a 2 year adoption and ended with nothing but heartache. I won't ever know why it worked out, but I deeply sympathize with you and wanted you to know!
About once a week I say a prayer of thanks to Heavenly Father for letting those other two babies that we "didn't" get go to someone else. If we had gotten even one of them we would never have gotten Abby. And I can't bare to think of life without her. She is perfection - my perfect angel that Heavenly father sent to me, to us. I promise - if you wait - you will have perfection in that special little one made just for YOU!
oh and........I hate all that darn paperwork too. It's the worst!!! That's why we stopped after two!
Well said, Natalie. We've had a similar experience, and you just have to take comfort in knowing that you understand the plan, even though... everything.
We're starting paperwork for number two this month. Not looking forward to it, but it's what we have to do. And I suppose it's worth it. :)
Thanks for your comment on our blog. I don't put a lot of her personal story on the blog because I think it's HER story and she should get to decide what to share, but we should get together and talk about it all sometime. We're in Gilbert now, back in Stapley Stake.
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