I had an interesting experience yesterday with my sweet little Addie. Addie will be 5 in a couple weeks. So LOGICALLY I know she doesn't quite understand what she did or said that caused such a bad reaction from her mom. Emotionally I am still hurting from it.......
Yesterday afternoon I was standing in my bathroom putting my hair up so that we could go visit a friend. She comes in and sits down on the toilet. She watches me for a minute before the following conversation starts:
Addie: "Mom ,what was my birth mother's name?"
Me: "_____." (I told her)
Addie: "Was ______ mean to me?"
Me: "No, she wasn't mean to you." (thinking: "how could she be mean to you she never even saw you")
Addie: "Then I want ______ to be my mom because you're mean."
SLAP IN THE FACE!!!! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?! ALL I WAS DOING WAS PUTTING MY HAIR IN A PONY TAIL!
Now I know that what she perceives as being mean is me disciplining her because she has done something wrong. And I know that she has NO idea what all she said entails. But she could have said ANYONE else she would rather have as a mom (and she has) and it wouldn't have hurt anywhere NEAR as bad as that did (and it hasn't). But that one just really got to me. And all I could think to say to her was "Fine then go have her be your mom!" NOW who's acting like a 5 year old!!!?! I automatically wished I hadn't said it. I totally wished I could take it back. I didn't know what else to say or how to deal with the emotions I was feeling, so I stopped talking at all. I know that she didn't understand. I told her she had hurt my feelings. But I couldn't say anything else because I was also angry. And you can't be angry at your children for something like that. So instead of saying anything else I might regret....I said nothing. It confused her. I know she could feel that I was mad. I still haven't said anything else about it. Not even sorry for that comment I made to her. And of course by now she is right back to thinking I am the greatest mom in the world. She was even just a half hour later.
So if she can get over things so quickly why can't I? Why am I still hurt by what a 5 year old little girl said to me? Why does thinking about it still make me want to break down and cry all over again? I do have a degree of fear when it comes to the birth mothers. I know that they are out there. I know that at some point my children will start asking questions about them. And I will have to answer AS HONESTLY AS I CAN any questions that my children ask. And I worry that one day they may really want to go find those women. And if I can't deal with this now how will I react when that day comes. Or when, out of spite, at 16 Addie says the same thing to me again. Only this time she KNOWS what she's saying? I don't do well thinking about the future too much. It scares me. And makes me wish I was the 5 year old again. Back in the safety of my parents home. Not the one dealing with the 5 year old of my own......
Yesterday afternoon I was standing in my bathroom putting my hair up so that we could go visit a friend. She comes in and sits down on the toilet. She watches me for a minute before the following conversation starts:
Addie: "Mom ,what was my birth mother's name?"
Me: "_____." (I told her)
Addie: "Was ______ mean to me?"
Me: "No, she wasn't mean to you." (thinking: "how could she be mean to you she never even saw you")
Addie: "Then I want ______ to be my mom because you're mean."
SLAP IN THE FACE!!!! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?! ALL I WAS DOING WAS PUTTING MY HAIR IN A PONY TAIL!
Now I know that what she perceives as being mean is me disciplining her because she has done something wrong. And I know that she has NO idea what all she said entails. But she could have said ANYONE else she would rather have as a mom (and she has) and it wouldn't have hurt anywhere NEAR as bad as that did (and it hasn't). But that one just really got to me. And all I could think to say to her was "Fine then go have her be your mom!" NOW who's acting like a 5 year old!!!?! I automatically wished I hadn't said it. I totally wished I could take it back. I didn't know what else to say or how to deal with the emotions I was feeling, so I stopped talking at all. I know that she didn't understand. I told her she had hurt my feelings. But I couldn't say anything else because I was also angry. And you can't be angry at your children for something like that. So instead of saying anything else I might regret....I said nothing. It confused her. I know she could feel that I was mad. I still haven't said anything else about it. Not even sorry for that comment I made to her. And of course by now she is right back to thinking I am the greatest mom in the world. She was even just a half hour later.
So if she can get over things so quickly why can't I? Why am I still hurt by what a 5 year old little girl said to me? Why does thinking about it still make me want to break down and cry all over again? I do have a degree of fear when it comes to the birth mothers. I know that they are out there. I know that at some point my children will start asking questions about them. And I will have to answer AS HONESTLY AS I CAN any questions that my children ask. And I worry that one day they may really want to go find those women. And if I can't deal with this now how will I react when that day comes. Or when, out of spite, at 16 Addie says the same thing to me again. Only this time she KNOWS what she's saying? I don't do well thinking about the future too much. It scares me. And makes me wish I was the 5 year old again. Back in the safety of my parents home. Not the one dealing with the 5 year old of my own......
6 comments:
wow nat! I guess when you got addie you wouldnt ever think of her saying things like that! of course shes young and innocent and doesnt mean it, but im sure it would still hurt....and the reality of when she does get older and inquires more is there. youre a great mom! and someday youll tell her about this experience and you will laugh together:)
Oh Natalie, you should have called me! Yeah, that would hurt bad. Your feelings are completely validated so don't think they aren't. I'd feel the same way. The thing is, even if she wants to find her birthmom one day, she will most likely only do it out of curiousity. You are her real mom, the one who raised her, laughed with her, wiped her tears, and was there for her always. I can't say I'm not afraid of one day hearing those things from Emmi but as long as you do your best, it will turn out ok. I would bring it up again with Addie just explaining to her why that hurt your feelings but let her know in simplistic terms. It will make both you and her feel better. Try not to think about the future. Do what you can do in the now and the future will work itself out.
When I told Scott about this post he said, "Break your heart!" I don't think that kids realize that MOMS HAVE FEELINGS! I know I didn't realize that until I went to college. I hope you are feeling better today. I do think, like Heidi said in the above comment, that if you talk about it with Addie it will help both of you resolve your feelings. I sure miss you, Nat!
oh, nat. that is the saddest thing i have read today. i am sorry. that would crush me. i have heard a few times "i don't want to be in this family" and "you are a mean mom"-- it hurts. but like you said, those little kid feelings are soon forgotten and they are giving you hugs a minute later. i love ya- you are a good mom.
I'm so sorry. That hasn't happened to me yet....but I do dread the brith mom questions. Lukily Tom always has the perfect answers and he doesn't get his feeling hurt by it! I'm sure Addy didn't mean it and she loves you like no other! ♥♥♥
i say beat her! what? not the right answer? (i know i can write this and you will laugh! so, it's worth it to say, even if it makes me sound heartless! hehe)
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